so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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