I cannot find my penis.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
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He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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