I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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