he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
