can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I need to stop coming to work sober
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
