I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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