It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
