you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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