I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
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you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
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She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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