2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
