i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
