Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
