$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
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While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
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But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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