I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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