Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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