That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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