Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Randomize
