I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
