Betty ford says i'm here all night
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
