I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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