you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
