The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
