i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
