is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
