She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I think I just sharted jello shots
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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