Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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