i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
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Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
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Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.