Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
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The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
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Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that