she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
