I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
