at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
