drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
