You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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