I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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