And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
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What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
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Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.