Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I smell stomach acid.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.