mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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