The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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