Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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