apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
