the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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