I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
