So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
