she was so not down for the gang bang
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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