my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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