I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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