YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
