you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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