The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
