You're my little dorito
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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