Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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