i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
