So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
