I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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