The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
