I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
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He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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