A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
