He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I will pee on everything he values.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
