i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
