You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
