totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
